10 - Confusing the Messenger with the Message
As luck would have it, I am currently shocked and, most of all, afraid to know the current state of my heart. I asked different students at my college, Asia Pacific College (APC), and they said it was a normal thing to do, but there are certain restrictions as to what I can do and what I cannot do.
Oh, and before I get into this topic, I will be extremely vague here; however I will make it clear that I am talking about the girl I have a crush on and what is happening to me now. Despite that, I won't say her name nor will I ever mention her in this blog (maybe in the near future). I just hope she won't be reading this.
That being said, I will now start this post.
I have left some clues on who the girl is, and if you don't personally know me, you can still piece together some of the clues I have left in this blog. Anyway, over the past few weeks or so, I have been debating with myself over the merits of this whole love thing. I asked some of my friends at APC if it is widely accepted as part of college or if it is considered taboo and should not be tolerated. The feedback varied from person to person. Some of them said it was "too unethical" and some of them said that it was a normal part of college life, however a person should know if he or she has gone too far. Nevertheless, most of them said they have heard a similar story not too long ago.
In the seemingly long-standing debate on the merits of this situation, I have a side of me that explicitly says, "Why would you do that? She is someone who helps you and why would you have a crush on her in the first place?" I was stuck in an endless loop of debates about the merits of this whole thing. Everywhere I go, two voices in my head would argue about this topic. When I am at the canteen, a voice in my head would say, "Stop it, it is not the right thing," and the other side of me would say, "No, it is fine. It is normal. It happens to most people and, as long as you are not doing anything bad, there is nothing to be scared of." My mind was locked on this raging debate of different ideologies in my head—that is, until yesterday.
To be honest, I saw this whole situation similar to a case of being gay. "If you cannot fight it, embrace it." BUT HEY, I am not gay. My crush happens to be a girl (a lady, a female, a woman, whatever floats your boat) who is smart, pretty, cute, and (is very much) adorable. I am just embracing these newfound feelings for my . . . crush.
So, if I cannot fight this feeling of having feelings towards someone (whom I should not have a crush on in the first place), I might as well embrace it and accept it as it is my decision, and I could do nothing about it. The heart wants what the heart wants.
I still cannot help but get the feeling that I am confusing the messenger with the message. Imagine this: a person somewhere in the world decides to mail a great message to you. That message took a long time to make and it is considered to be very special. Now, a person from a mailing (or shipping) company decides to deliver the message to you. You see that the message is heartwarming and is very inspiring. Then, for no apparent reason, you start to think that the deliveryperson (the deliveryman or deliverywoman) sent the message to you, you mistake that person as someone else.
Based on my findings, that is happening to me right now.
I am confusing the messenger with the message. In a nutshell, I decided to fall in love the messenger instead of the message that she wanted to convey.
Or . . . this is just all in my head and that this just another case of my common sense gone A.W.O.L.
